Udurawana's Jokes
Udurawana is buying a TV.
"Do you have colour TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."
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Udurawana calls Air Lanka.
"How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a second," says the rep.
"Thank you." says the Udurawana and cuts the line.
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Udurawana was filling up an application form for a job. He filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc.
Then he came to the column Salary Expected:
After much thought he wrote: Yes
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Udurawana proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search team found him hunting a huge crocodiles.
He walks over to the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "70th damn croc and this bugger is also barefeet!"
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Udurawana goes into a store and sees a shiny object.
He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."
Udurawana then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
Udurawana says, "I'll take one!"
The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos.
Udurawana's boss asked, "Wow, you have a Thermos. What do you have in it?" Udurawana replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."
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Why did 18 Udurawanas go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
***************************************************************
The doctor told Udurawana to run eight kilometres a day for 300 days TO LOSE WEIGHT..
After 300 days, Udurawana called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem; "I'm 2400 kms away from home."
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Udurawana's two sons Sunil and Rohan are waiting in a railway station.
Sunil asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Ohia?"
"No," answers the Railway man.
"then Can I ?" asks Rohan.
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Having lost his donkey Udurawana, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked,
"Your donkey is missing; why are you thanking God?"
The Udurawana replied "I am thanking him for that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
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Udurawana got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate
Mother: Sri Lankan.
Father: Sri Lankan.
Kid: Chinese.
"How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sri LAnkan?"
says Udurawana "Ahhh... I read in the newspaper, that the every 4th person born on Earth now is a Chinese."
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Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and Udurawana were sent to the outer
space.
The ground control issues commands "Rubi!" "Woof!" ( its the barking sound ) "Press the red button."
"Woof! Woof!" "Moti!""Woof!" "Press the white button."
"Woof! Woof!" "Udurawana!" "Woof." "Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"
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Udurawana and a friend Amaris went to Colombo. They managed to get into a double-decker bus. Amaris somehow managed to find a seat downstairs ,But unfortunately Udurawana got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush was over, Amaris went upstairs to see his friend Udurawana. He found Udurawana in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands and saying his prayers, scared to death.
He asks,"Oi Udurawana! What the heck's goin' on? Why are you so scared?... I was really enjoying my ride down there?
Udurawana mumbles "Yeah, but you've got a driver."
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Udurawana with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked
him what had happened to his ears and he answered,
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But ..what happened to your other ear?
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At Katunayake airport, the passengers were climbing the steps to board the plane. A foreigner missed his step & slipped.
He shouted "Oh, I lost my balance!" and the moving got slowed down a bit. Udurawana was at the bottom of the steps anxiously waiting to get in to the plane for the first time and he shouted,
"Doesn't matter you fool, I have enough coins in my pocket. I'll give you some later! "
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When it was closer to London, Passengers were given the embarkation card to fill. Udurawana started filling.
Full Name : Heen Banda Udurawana
Sex : Ticked the Female Box and wrote below : unlike these foreigners, we always have sex with females !
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Getting off Finally, the plane arrives at Heathrow. Udurawana was excited and anxious to get off. So he went to the door before anyone, and prepared to jump down.
"Wait sir, Wait" cried an air hostess.
"75 Kilograms" replied Udurawana and jumped off the plane !
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Seeing Udurawana jump off the plane, an airport worker came running to his aid.
"Sir, Are you hurt? ", he asked, helping Udurawanna to stand up.
"No, I am not Hurt. I am Udurawana" he replied.
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In the Hospital After his jump from the plane, Udurawana was taken to a doctor to be treated for minor injuries. While awaiting his turn for treatment, Udurawana smiled with an old Englishman sitting next to him.
"Hello.. I'm suffering from Influenza" " said the Englishman
"Hello" replied Udurawana. " I'm Udurawana from Sri Lanka"
The Englishman confused, said "I mean my Influenza... came from Catarrh".
I know, I know replied Udurawana. "Though I say Sri Lanka, I am also from Pettah."
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Fortunately, the injuries were not serious and Udurawana was able to participate in the conference.
The Chairperson said "Mr. Udurawana from Sri Lanka will now address you !"
Udurawana rose from his seat, and said: "Udurawana Walawwa No. 29, Ranawana Road, Katugastota, Kandy, Sri Lanka."
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When Udurawana announced his postal address to the audience, his Secretary came for assistance.
"That is not what you are supposed to do, Sir", he said, giving him a five-page written-speech.
"You are supposed to speak to them. Please read this speech to them!" Udurawana started reading aloud. Other than for a few mistakes in pronouncing, things were okay for a few minutes. Then, suddenly, Udurawana shouted: " Patto!"
The audience got a bit excited, but Udurawana continued to read as if nothing happened. After another few minutes, another loud "Patto!" was heard. Udurawana's secretary wanted to find out the reason for this,so he carefully followed the written speech. And he found that..... UDURAWANA WAS READING THE 'P.T.O.' AS PATTO!
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During the conference lunch break, Udurawana dropped in at a restaurant with an English friend. The friend ordered a Fanta and our Udurawana ordered a Coke. The Suddah friend sipped the Fanta and said, "Aaah..... Fantastic...."
Our friend Udurawana sipped the Coke and yelled, "Aaaaaaah.....Cockastic...."
---------------------------------------------------
Udurawana went to play tennis with another delegate. He was playing after some time and most of his shots ended up hitting the net.
The opponent shouted " Hey mate, your balls are too low ! "
Udurawana replied " Don't you know these Sri Lankan Velona underwears!, must go to M.C and buy some good crocodile ones ! ".
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It was a chilly day and as he wanted to warm himself up, he went to a PUB. He saw two Englishmen sitting near the counter and joined them.
The first Englishmen said to the bar man "JOHNNY WALKER, single"
The Bar man served him. The second Englishmen said "JACK DANIEL, single".
The Bar man served him too.
Now it was Udurawana's turn and he said: "HEEN BANDA UDURAWANA, MARRIED" !!!
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Udurawana gets ready ,wears a tie, coat ,goes out, climbs tree, sits
on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this.
Udurawana:"I've been promoted as branch manager."
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Once Udurawana professor asked a plumber to come to his college. Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...
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Udurawana: I haven't slept all night in the train.
Friend: why ?
Udurawana: Got upper berth.
Friend: Why didn't you exchange?
Udurawana: Oye, there was nobody to exchange with in the lower berth..
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The teacher lecturing on population -
In India, after every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.
Udurawana stands up - we must find & stop her!.
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Udurawana -why are all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Udurawana - If only the winner will get the cup, why are others
running?
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Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Udurawana: The future tense is "you will go to jail".
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Udurawana found the answer to the most difficult question ever –
"What comes first, the Chicken or the egg?
"Aiyooo, what ever you order first will come first."
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Udurawana wins 20 Million Rupees from a Rs. 20 lottery ticket.
Dealer gave 11 Million after deducting tax.
Angry Udurawana: "Give me 20 Million or else return my 20 Rupees back.!"
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Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver you this Packet.
Udurawana:- Why did you come so far? Instead you could have posted it....
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Udurawana proposed to a Girl......Girl said 'I'm 1yr elder to you'...........
Udurawana said 'OK No Problem Chandra, I'll marry you NEXT YEAR.
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Udurawana's wish - When I die, I wanna die like my grandpa, who died
peacefuly in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving..
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Udurawana at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that's a mirror!
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A man asked Udurawana, why Mahinda Rajapaksha goes walking at evening
and not in the morning.
Udurawana replied ''aiyooo Mahinda Rajapaksha is PM, not AM''.
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Interviewer: what is your birth date?
Udurawana : 13th October
Which year?
Udurawana : EVERY YEAR
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Manager asked Udurawana at an interview
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Udurawana replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.
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After returning back from a foreign trip, Udurawana asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Udurawana : In London a lady asked me "Are you a foreigner?"
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One tourist from U.S.A. asked Udurawana
"Any great man born in this village???"
Udurawana : no sir, only small Babies!!!
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In the university, lecturer asked to write a note on "Buddha Jayanthi"
So Udurawana writes, "Buddha was born in India & was a great Philosopher , but I don't know who is Jayanthi.
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Udurawana was doing experiment with cockroach, first he cut it's one leg and told WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked. Then he cut it's second leg and told the same. Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same. At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered it walk! But cockroach didn't walk.
Suddenly Udurawana said loudly, "I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.
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On a political rally Udurawana was arrested.
Why???
A woman journalist walking with a badge wrote "PRESS" and He did it..
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When Udurawana was traveling with his wife in a three wheeler , the driver adjusted mirror.
Udurawana shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will drive.
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Interviewer: just imagine your in 3 rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Udurawana : its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Important steps to take for your career development The Career Planning Process
Important steps to take for your career development
The Career Planning Process
I see many questions from readers, where I observe a general lack of focus on their career, or yet some of them who have chosen the wrong career do not make the effort to switch. I have finally got down to putting a few thoughts to help the general reader to get the best out of his or her career.
My thoughts are based on the following trade offs:
* Career first or Qualification first
* Local or International
* Academic or Professional
* Experience or Qualification
* Specialize or Broaden
* Medium term or Long term
* MBA now or Later
* Do what I like or do what makes me money
Career development and the career planning process include a number of specific steps that help to identify personal skills and attributes. Finding out how those skills can be utilized in the job market is accomplished by researching a number of career fields that are of interest to you and then by gaining experience in those fields and/or speaking to people currently working in the field. Participating in some form of experiential education or gaining internship will help you to identify if the field is the right choice for you. For example if you do like fashion designing then you could start as an intern in the industry and then assess your likeability.
Step 1: Self-Assessment
Evaluating who you are as a person. This involves taking a personal inventory of who you are and identifying your individual values, interests, skills, and personal qualities. What makes you tick as a person. You will look at those personal attributes under a microscope and come up with key qualities you can identify and use in your search for the perfect career. Career assessments may be required to promote a better understanding of personal attributes and skills. You can log on to www.humanmetrics.com to do this test.
Step 2: Research (Career Exploration)
Obtain an insider's perspective about the career field you are considering. This involves talking to people and doing your research in person, phone, or by email. Professionals enjoy sharing their expertise with people interested in the field, their perspective of the field and listen to what they have to say. This strategy provides first hand knowledge from someone currently working in the field and gives you an opportunity to ask about their experiences as well as potential jobs and what one might expect if one is just entering the field.
If possible try to gain experience through internships or by job shadowing for one to several days to see what a typical work day entails and gain a perspective of what the environment is like and the typical job responsibilities of someone working in the field. For example you may want to work with a sales rep to identify and analyze the specific skills required.
Step 3: Decision-Making
When you've made a thorough self-assessment and have done some research of career options, it's time to make a decision. This can be difficult since there may still be many unknowns and a fear of making the wrong choice. One thing for sure is that although we can do all the necessary steps for making an informed decision, there is no absolute certainty that we are unquestioningly making the right decision. This uncertainty is easier for some people than others but a key point to remember is that you can always learn from any job you have and apply those skills at your next job.
Step 4: Search (Taking Action)
It's now time to look for prospective jobs and/or employers, send out cover letters and resumes, and begin networking with people in the field. Keep in mind that cover letters and resumes are designed to make a favourable impression on employers (if done properly) and the interview process is what will ultimately get you the job. In other words, make sure your cover letter and resume highlight your skills and strengths based on the employer's needs and that you are fully prepared to knock their socks off at the interview. Take time to research the employer's website prior to the interview, and be prepared to ask thoughtful questions based on your research.
Step 5: Acceptance
Once you've completed all the steps above you've been accepted into a new and exciting or different job. According to statistics, 64.1% of people change jobs between 5 and 14 times in their lifetime. Consequently, learning the skills above will increase your chances of gaining meaningful and satisfactory work as well as help you to avoid many of the stresses that occur with changing jobs. By recognizing that change is good (even advantageous), changing jobs can be viewed as a positive experience and need not be as anxiety provoking as it may initially seem. You will continue the process of self-assessment, research, decision-making, and job searching in order to make effective and fulfilling career changes throughout your lifetime.
Thanks to Sundaytimes.lk
The Career Planning Process
I see many questions from readers, where I observe a general lack of focus on their career, or yet some of them who have chosen the wrong career do not make the effort to switch. I have finally got down to putting a few thoughts to help the general reader to get the best out of his or her career.
My thoughts are based on the following trade offs:
* Career first or Qualification first
* Local or International
* Academic or Professional
* Experience or Qualification
* Specialize or Broaden
* Medium term or Long term
* MBA now or Later
* Do what I like or do what makes me money
Career development and the career planning process include a number of specific steps that help to identify personal skills and attributes. Finding out how those skills can be utilized in the job market is accomplished by researching a number of career fields that are of interest to you and then by gaining experience in those fields and/or speaking to people currently working in the field. Participating in some form of experiential education or gaining internship will help you to identify if the field is the right choice for you. For example if you do like fashion designing then you could start as an intern in the industry and then assess your likeability.
Step 1: Self-Assessment
Evaluating who you are as a person. This involves taking a personal inventory of who you are and identifying your individual values, interests, skills, and personal qualities. What makes you tick as a person. You will look at those personal attributes under a microscope and come up with key qualities you can identify and use in your search for the perfect career. Career assessments may be required to promote a better understanding of personal attributes and skills. You can log on to www.humanmetrics.com to do this test.
Step 2: Research (Career Exploration)
Obtain an insider's perspective about the career field you are considering. This involves talking to people and doing your research in person, phone, or by email. Professionals enjoy sharing their expertise with people interested in the field, their perspective of the field and listen to what they have to say. This strategy provides first hand knowledge from someone currently working in the field and gives you an opportunity to ask about their experiences as well as potential jobs and what one might expect if one is just entering the field.
If possible try to gain experience through internships or by job shadowing for one to several days to see what a typical work day entails and gain a perspective of what the environment is like and the typical job responsibilities of someone working in the field. For example you may want to work with a sales rep to identify and analyze the specific skills required.
Step 3: Decision-Making
When you've made a thorough self-assessment and have done some research of career options, it's time to make a decision. This can be difficult since there may still be many unknowns and a fear of making the wrong choice. One thing for sure is that although we can do all the necessary steps for making an informed decision, there is no absolute certainty that we are unquestioningly making the right decision. This uncertainty is easier for some people than others but a key point to remember is that you can always learn from any job you have and apply those skills at your next job.
Step 4: Search (Taking Action)
It's now time to look for prospective jobs and/or employers, send out cover letters and resumes, and begin networking with people in the field. Keep in mind that cover letters and resumes are designed to make a favourable impression on employers (if done properly) and the interview process is what will ultimately get you the job. In other words, make sure your cover letter and resume highlight your skills and strengths based on the employer's needs and that you are fully prepared to knock their socks off at the interview. Take time to research the employer's website prior to the interview, and be prepared to ask thoughtful questions based on your research.
Step 5: Acceptance
Once you've completed all the steps above you've been accepted into a new and exciting or different job. According to statistics, 64.1% of people change jobs between 5 and 14 times in their lifetime. Consequently, learning the skills above will increase your chances of gaining meaningful and satisfactory work as well as help you to avoid many of the stresses that occur with changing jobs. By recognizing that change is good (even advantageous), changing jobs can be viewed as a positive experience and need not be as anxiety provoking as it may initially seem. You will continue the process of self-assessment, research, decision-making, and job searching in order to make effective and fulfilling career changes throughout your lifetime.
Thanks to Sundaytimes.lk
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
10 Good reasons why I would marry you
10 Good reasons why I would marry you
and one why I wouldn’t
- unputdownabAl
Introduction and background.
Well, I know its not lady like to suggest marriage, or to propose it to a guy, but then you always did know that I’m not much of a lady and have never been ( Im plain hairy and I cant be bothered with waxing. I mean, give me one good reason I should hurt my skin to be more acceptable to the opposite sex.)
Further- when I say "marry " I don’t really mean the whole lace and bouquets and flower-girls rigmarole, and signing silly documents which have no real substance. In fact it has never failed to amaze me that the marriage contract is the only paper humans continue to sign which has absolutely no explicit terms, heck even my three month room rental is clearer on what responsibilities and benefits are but this signing on a dotted line with nothing else near it, its plain dumb if you ask me! Particularly when there are no real ways to enforce it .
And then just look at the disservice you do to society, inviting hundreds of people, making them waste lots of time preparing, shopping for tuxedos or matching sari blouse material and out fits for the kids who can only wear it one day anyway- they all have to come to a dead boring hotel lunch (and the more expensive the hotel the more confusing the food tastes), listen to deafening music , and throw confetti at the couple, only to be told about three years down the line that it didn’t work out and all that time they wasted was REALLY useless- simply gross; I have been there, done that and all I can remember was that the hem of my sari was getting tangled in my high heels, which was horribly nerve wracking. Not to mention having to kiss hundreds of painted perfumed sweaty women I don’t know. Bleah.
No I don’t really mean that, nice and fairy tale thought it sounds.
What I actually mean is that I would like to be officially, your partner in crime.
Justification
Now to substantiate my proposal, I have a couple of good old fashioned and ancient "wise sayings" on my side:
1. Do not marry a person you can live with; Marry someone you cannot live without.".
( I guess that means , someone you just cant bear to be separate from and will never forget as long as you live; if so that would be you)
2. Marry someone you like talking to
(which probably means when all those hormones fade and sex becomes repetitious and dead boring you will still be able to keep each other entertained. Makes sense.)
3. Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget
Im just suggesting that we could make each other smile, we could be there for each other and we could possibly make life happier for each other. Nothing more complicated.
Detailed justification
I’ve also backing this up with ten good reasons why I think I can actually stand knowing you , so as you see I have done my background work quite thoroughly.
1. You keep smiling most of the time
2. You are kind to animals
3. You talk about my children. and yours; a lot.
4. You’re funny and you make me smile.
5. You’re not insanely jealous when I talk about other cute guys and old flames.
6. You read what I write (possibly more than anyone else does except my mother)
7. I’m comfortable with you even when we don’t talk.
8. You’re talented and you know what you’re doing
9. Youre quaintly old fashioned although you deny it.
10. You’re spiritual although you try to hide it.
11. You drive decently even when you’re angry.
12. You read. Let me reiterate here, its not easy to find a bloke who reads beyond car magazines, sports highlights and the stock market news. But you read Tintin…
13. You are romantic although you try not to show it. Odd, but I have noticed.
14. You talk about your old flames in a nice way without resenting them.
15. You smell good and you’re cuddly and huggable.
16. You have the best communications skills I have ever seen in almost any guy.
17. You like the same books, music , movies and entertainment crap that I do
18. You don’t pee on the roadside or walk about shirtless, scratching your chest or worse. Even though you’re Sri Lankan!!
19. You sound sexy in the dark. Seriously, ok in daylight too - you have a wonderful way of talking.
20.And finally you’re hygienic; and did I go beyond the ten reasons? I do apologize.
Perceived risks
We allow that there are the challenges involved in knowing you so I have weighed them against the pros.
1. You like arguing and you keep grudges for yonks!
2. You don’t show that you love the ones you’re with which I think is immature.
3. You’re bigoted, racist and very rude to some people.
4. You’re a show off, a down right shocking exhibitionist, and snob! Sometimes that gets tedious for anyone near you.
5. You’re plain unstable, as you yourself admit.
6. When you hurt someone, you hurt them very, very bad.
Finally the number one reason I think I should go and boil my head for even suggesting such a thing…
7. Sometimes getting involved is the best way to lose someone
Conclusion
Weighing everything, and notwithstanding my obvious inability to count properly, I somehow think things won’t be that bad. I would actually love to grow old talking with you, to wake up to your hugs, to fall asleep to your snores, to save you from nightmares, and save myself from loneliness, and no this is not something I thought up on the spur of the moment, is it? I have had years to love you, years to hate you, a month to forgive you and perhaps, perhaps just maybe a life time to endure you, which I gladly will either way.
So what will it be?
Authors Note: The author currently makes a living writing project proposals for third sector organizations. This is her first attempt at writing a personal proposal and – hopefully, for everyone’s sake, her last.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Hospital
Hospital
After his jump from plane, Udurawana was taken to a doctor to be treated for minor injuries.
While waiting for his turn for treatment, Udurawana smiled with an old Englishman sitting next to him.
“Hello” said the Englishman “ I’m suffering Influenza”
“Hello” replied Udurawana.
“ I’m Udurawana from Sri Lanka”
Conference proceedings
Conference proceedings 1.
The chair person said “ Mr. Udurawana from Sri Lanka
will now address you !
Udurawana rose from his seat, and said
“Udurawana”
No. 29,
Kotugodella street,
Kandy,
Sri Lanka.
Udurawana & the Conference.
Once attend & addressed a conference in Great Bribain. The following is a series of incident taken from this event.
1) Ants
It was the first time that Udurawana got into an aero plane so, he got in, took a seat near a window and was looking out side very keenly.
The passenger seated next to him was a bit curious.
“Excuse me” he inquired to Udurawana “What do you see outside ?
“We must be high above ground now” said Udurawana’ people on the ground look like ants from here.
“That’s interesting ! said the other passenger, and looked through the window. Then, smiling he said,
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